Who in the world is frightened of being happy? Well, I am! I’m terrified that if I get too happy, something horrible might happen and I would then be floating in the sea of grief. This whole idea of drowning in despair intimidates me so much so that it pushes me away from so many blissful opportunities. Maybe it’s some inexplicable fear or whatever but one thing is for sure: happiness is not my thing! I mean I have closely observed my state of mind. I have experienced unmitigated happiness thousands of times but all of them eventually lead me to some interminable, terribly nasty, gloomy days ahead! And I have experienced this “happy-follows-misery” way too many times to ignore it or call myself superstitious!
I don’t mean to imply that I’m suffering from depression. But I do think that I’m made of darkness. I do believe that I’m dark and twisted inside. That explains why I’m scared of light! I mean I’m kind of addicted to sadness and melancholy, or so I like to believe. Just the other day, I was over the moon. I got home from work smiling and continued beaming the rest of the day. My insides were calm and relaxed and my head was full of pleasant thoughts. But what followed next was a disaster that left me in a blubbering mess! Life turned blue and bleak and left me overwhelmed. And then I blamed happiness for all the trouble I had to go through.
Having said that, I don’t mean to deliberately push away happiness from my life. But too much of it and I find alarm bells ringing in my mind. It’s not like I’m ungrateful to God. I’m not! But I find solace in the dark. I find peace when I’m alone. Everything that makes a normal person happy like you know hanging out with friends, or going to picnics leave me disturbed. Just the other day, I went out with my colleagues for lunch and I felt like a fish out of water! I was too disoriented to settle down. Happiness was all around me. But my insides were chaotic and as soon as I was done eating, I left!
Basically, it’s hard to explain why I’m so cynical. I’m trying to figure it out but my mind has left me baffled! don’t think I can ever get it. But that doesn’t mean I have given up on myself. I mean though I’m a bit crumpled, I love to light other people’s darkness. Now, this is really the most intriguing part because even though I’m dark myself, I know how to love people. Being grey and shadowy has never stopped me from caring for other people. In fact, it sounds really bizarre but I’m mostly attracted to the complicated, cracked, broken souls. I think by trying to light their path, I’m in some way lighting my own darkness….
Written By Shumila Malik