At 15, I have the whole universe in my head. You see, I understand life more than other kids my age. My thoughts mostly whirl around negativity. I’m incredibly pissed off at the whole world.Sometimes I can be really stubborn.I’m never in a family mood! What the hell is that anyway? And I hate it when people interfere in my personal matters. I don’t trust anybody.
There is often a storm in my head. But people see me as quiet and reserved. Conflicting and complicated emotions often leave me overwhelmed! But I don’t share my feelings with anybody. Because people don’t understand. This is the worst part of life. It’s so frustrating when your loved ones don’t understand you. Though I’m good in studies, I’m quickly distracted. I have this anger building inside me. But I keep my anger within me. What’s the point? Nobody cares! Nobody understands!
School is good! My teachers are kind. I respect them. Some of them really care about me. But then again, I don’t want anybody to sympathize with me. I’m happy, okay. I AM HAPPY! Nothing is wrong with my life. Besides, why should I burden anyone with the weird stuff that goes on in my head everyday.
When I’m listening to my favourite songs, I am transported to a different world. It gives me peace of mind. Anything that keeps the reality away is welcome. When I’m outdoors, I’m normally in a good mood. Stepping outside the house feels so refreshing.
Sometimes I lie. You know lying can be good sometimes. As I said before nobody really cares. Nobody understands. But I also possess some strong moral values like I’m honest. I mostly speak the truth. But I remember what I just said. I said I lie sometimes. Now, don’t you judge me on that, okay! You have no idea what shit I’m going through.
When my heart becomes too heavy I want to cry. But why the hell should I cry? Tears are for the weak. And I am strong. I am brave. I am in control! But I also fall apart so many times. Behind the rough and rebellious me, there is a scared, sensitive child, who wants to be loved, who wants to be understood, who wants to be appreciated! There is some kind of emptiness within me, a gap that can never be filled. Nobody loves me!
Often, when I’m too absorbed in thoughts, I also think about my future like when I’m going to get a job and earn my own money and change things. Soon, I become hopeless. What job? What change? Nothing is ever going to change in my life! I’m confused! Actually, I’m suffocated! I want somebody to hold my hand. I want somebody to help me. But every time somebody shows me they care, I brush them aside! How can I trust people? Nobody loves me. I’m hurt!
Angry, and irritated with the world.
Written By Shumila Malik