A disturbing thought nags me all the time, and makes me feel terrible. I’m intimidated by something that hasn’t happened yet. But it sure has left my insides chaotic and my life in a mangled mess. Since childhood, I have always had the desire to die first, to leave this world before everyone else does in my “loved ones” circle because I don’t think I will ever be able to witness them on a death-bed with me alive and staring at them covered in white. That would be just too much pain and I think I’m feeble and can’t face up to this inevitable catastrophe which seems to be chasing everything that’s alive and breathing. I hurl this thought far away and keep myself occupied but even when I’m busy at work, this thought jogs to the front of my mind and everything inside me freezes.
In fact, if I probe into my deepest thoughts and fears, I come to the conclusion that for the last two or three years this thought has been a source of excruciating emotional pain for me. It has had a seriously negative impact on my work, and my life in general. Sometimes, I tell myself I love them a lot and that’s the only reason why I’m terrified of losing them. On the contrary, what kind of love is that which makes me lose every ounce of peace I have ever had.
I see the word “Death” hovering in the air nearly all the time. It’s haunting me even when I’m asleep, in the form of nightmares! This fear can’t be irrational. I mean the person I’m referring to is 62 years old and we all know that people at 62 don’t exactly thrive when it comes to good health. Even if I face up to my fears, and accept the fact that he is going to die, then what? I know what lies ahead after that. That’s another tangle in my already complicated existence.
I sometimes tell myself to just forget about it. Deny it all for there is some sort of beauty in denial. But denial doesn’t work for me. I have tried it many times. What’s true and real keeps hitting me. Reality has always been the reason for my grief.
I often see pictures of him dying. Life seeping from his eyes. In those images, I’m quietly devastated and absorbed by shock and the next moment the picture repeats itself again. It’s like I’m looking at the same images in my head for years and have been able to do nothing except of course feel frightened.
I don’t like this dread growing in me every day. I want to get rid of it. But I can’t. It’s uncontrollable and it’s nasty. I’m not aware of the taste of death but the way it’s blocking my path to a normal life, I feel like jumping off the cliff sometimes. I’m hanging in the middle of nowhere. In moments of sheer desperation, I have heard the voice in my head telling me it’s better for me if my fear actually turns up someday. That would be one way I would finally bid farewell to it. I wouldn’t have to deny it any longer; I wouldn’t have to hide from it any more……
Written By Shumila Malik